For most of my 20s and early 30s, I wanted a relationship. I wanted a real connection, my forever person, someone to build a life with.

And yet, if someone had asked me early on while dating, I probably wouldn’t have said that so directly.

Instead, I’d say things like:

“I’m open.”
“Let’s see where things go.”

Or not say anything at all. Not because I didn’t know what I wanted - but because truthfully I was afraid that saying it out loud would scare someone off (I know… )

And I see this all the time with my friends and clients too. It is so rare to find someone who is upfront with what they want, especially in early dating.

So many women are dating with the hope of meeting their person, but are careful about how much they reveal in the beginning. We downplay it. We make it sound casual. Or we avoid it altogether, hoping things will come up naturally (which rarely ever happens). Especially on the apps, where choosing something like “open” or “figuring it out” can feel safer and more comfortable than selecting “looking for a relationship” or “long-term partnership” or “marriage”

Underneath all of that, though, the desire is usually the same: to meet someone meaningful and long-term.

Why We Do This

Most of this comes from fear.

Fear of:

Coming across as too intense or too needy
Wanting something the other person doesn’t
Getting attached too quickly
Being disappointed
Getting hurt

So instead of risking rejection, we try to stay emotionally neutral. We hold back. We wait. We don’t fully express what we’re hoping for until the other person does (or we never express it at all and then eventually things end and we’re left feeling disappointed).

The problem is, staying guarded can quickly become a habit and a pattern that we repeat (without realizing it). And over time, that habit and patttern can lead to dating experiences that feel confusing, frustrating, and emotionally draining. (This is why we must take the time to understand our habits and patterns… and then break/release them as they are keeping us stuck)

What Happens When We Hide What We Want

When we’re vague about our intentions and true desires, we often (subconsciously) end up attracting situations that feel just as unclear and confusing.

If you present yourself as “open” or “go with the flow,” you’re likely to meet people who are also open, uncertain, or noncommittal (the power of manifestation in action!)

Then dating starts to feel like a cycle of:

Getting hopeful
Feeling unsure
Pulling back
Starting over

Not because you’re doing anything wrong - but because you’re not fully showing up as yourself.

A Conversation That Shifted Everything

One of my close friends recently started dating someone she genuinely liked. Things were going well, but she found herself holding back from saying what she actually wanted with him.

She wasn’t afraid to express excitement or interest. What scared her was telling him her deeper desire - that she liked him a lot and could see potential with him.

But she was uncertain if she should tell him, even if it was keeping her up at night: What if it’s too soon? What if I scare him away? What if he doesn’t feel the same?

Because of my own experience with intentional dating (and what ultimately led me into my current relationship), I coached her through it. We talked about her fears, what she actually wanted, and what it would feel like to stay honest instead of guarded.

Eventually, she decided to share what she was hoping for with the guy - gently, calmly, and without pressure.

And instead of pulling away, he told her he felt the same.

They’re now in a happy relationship.

The Part We Forget

The right person won’t be scared by your honesty.

That doesn’t mean every conversation will lead to a relationship. But it does mean that being open filters out people who aren’t aligned much sooner - which saves you time, energy, and emotional exhaustion.

When someone disappears after you share what you want, it’s painful (believe me, I know). But it’s also really telling information. It shows you that this wasn’t your person, even if you really hoped they would be.

Dating Gets Lighter When You SHOW UP AS YOURSELF

There’s something incredibly freeing and powerful about being upfront in dating (not in an intense interview kind of way, unless you’re into that - but in an honest way)

You stop second-guessing your words.
You stop analyzing every text and every interaction.

And instead, you start dating from a place of confidence and self-trust.

A Gentle Reframe

Instead of asking:
“How do I say this without scaring him?”

Try:
“How do I stay honest with myself while I’m dating?”

That shift alone can completely change how dating feels.

If This Sounds Like You…

If you’ve ever felt the urge to downplay what you want, hold back your feelings, or stay vague just to protect yourself - you’re not alone. Most people do this.

And there’s nothing wrong with you.

Dating in your 30s and beyond can bring up a lot of past experiences, fears, and self-doubt. Learning how to show up more honestly and confidently takes time, practice, and support.

This is exactly why I created The Dating Reset and the 21 Day Intentional Dating Journal — to help you reconnect with yourself, build confidence in dating, break habits and patterns that no longer server us (like hiding what we really want in early dating) and approach dating and relationships in a way that feels supportive instead of draining.

It’s not a magical pill, just a different approach that will completely change how dating starts to feel, slowly but surely.